One day there will be time for a full and proper dissection of this movie. Minds immeasurable to ours will dig deep into the celluloid quagmire and discover the hidden meanings, the bizarre symbolism and of course, just why was the film in the wrong order? People will weep openly in the streets after finally experiencing closure. It’s a lot like waiting for the Chilcot report, except in this reality the villains are from ink and paper and not Oxford.
Until that glorious day, the only reports we have are the ramblings of a man paying far too much for tickets and popcorn. Desperately trying to maintain his sanity and composure as he munches ever closer to the bottom of the box. For those of you championing spoiler culture, there’s nothing for you here except cold hard facts. For the rest of you who have seen the movie, accept my apologies and read on.
As the title suggests, we begin with Batman, and I should quickly note my thought process as the film opened:
“Oh this is a nice sequence, although it’s very much liked they cross pollinated Burton and Nolan. >> Is that Negan and Maggie? >> Oh the bats are swirling as he’s being rescued from the hole. >> Oh god he’s not being rescued, he’s literally flying out the hole >> It must be figuratively flying right? >> Oh phew it was a dream.”
With this near miss on the cringeometer, we quickly back pedal into Man of Steel with the title card:
“In Metropolis, the world was introduced to The Superman.”
The phrase, “The Superman” I absolutely loved for some reason, as did the retread into the Metropolis destruction. Although the Blu Ray release will feature a second title card half way through the movie:
“On the Internet, people are introduced to mild panic and low freshness”
Superman appears (whoop) and the first thing he does is smash a guy through about three concrete walls at 1000mph.
At first I was: “Yeah, you get him Supes, he was about to kill your girlfriend!” Then immediately after I was “Hold on, there isn’t a hospital in the world that will put that man back together.” Superman probably makes soups out his enemies. Wasn’t he supposed to be learning to be better after Man of Steel? He definitely shouldn’t still be flicking peanuts through expensive bar mirrors.
Then we learn that Batman’s moral compass is essentially so far adrift Chris Hemsworth is using it in-between snacking on his shipmates.
BUT WAIT! Batman and Superman are being manipulated. Yes, it’s False Flag the movie. Lex Luthorz son is bored waiting for lady lawyers to accept friend requests and is now straight up murdering senators and essentially trying to set the world on fire. He also likes pick and mix sweets, and space bells. Just remember, this is what happens when you get cocky and don’t put the correct names on the Masthead. You know people need credit Lex, especially people who can catch rockets off Russian launch pads and do a cheeky clean and jerk while they are at it.
We continue like this for a while. Superman just needs a thank you card, Batman’s angry at his construction bills. I mean he must be angry at the construction bills right? It can’t be the loss of life, he just machine gunned 3 whole cars full of people. Some of those people were just trying to make ends meet with a bit of night driving work. Two jobs help with the debt and I’m good behind the wheel. Now I’ve got to deal with this monster truck tire rolling over my pedal legs.
To the the rest of the goons, Lex Luthorz is in Tech, he definitely doesn’t pay overtime. This whole rock delivery business is a mess.
Interspersed with all this are more dream sequences. I guess I’m not a massive comics fan. Because at one point, my brain asked the question:
“Why is there a 13th Century Mongol Warrior shouting through a hole in the wall?” I get it, everyone likes a bit of Aerosmith and RunDMC, but some things should never be mixed.
Batman is also a clairvoyant, which according to this movies logic means he will either eventually get his heart punched out, or be killed by the demon monster corpse of his mother while taking time out in the garden.
Bruce, exactly why has your house burned down. Is this a sequel?
Bruce likes to have hungover conversations with Alfred. This is good for us, because it turns out Alfred is the best part of the movie. He’s like your cool grandad who’s really good with tools. Except he builds helmets, and tanks. He also builds: A voice changer. A grappling hook. A larger grappling hook. A Robot exoskeleton. A supersonic remote jet. An underground suspended base. An elevator in a lake. A giant runway in a cave. You get the idea, he supplies the prizes for the Gadget Show competition.
Supes has a conversation with his dead dad on top of a mountain. There is a weird twisty metal thing up there. This could have been the Fortress of Solitude, for ants. Take special note. This is not a dream sequence.
Finally we are at the fight, it’s good. Lots of punches, some kicks and a little light roughhousing. No rear naked chokes though. Don’t ever take Superman to the ground, he definitely will not tap out and he doesn’t need oxygen. He needs the sun though. Which is good for Bats, so using prep time he picks a film that takes place in perpetual night.
He then proceeds to fart gas Superman into submission.
Tactical fans take note. He does this after he uses banks of miniguns on Supes. So he doesn’t really want to kill him, he just wants to punch his face a lot. Leading to the inspired sequence of Batman punching Superman in the face repeatedly as Supes face gets stronger. It is Batman’s absolute worst fear.
Just when you thought everything had been used in this movie, Batman literally grabs a kitchen sink and starts doing some dirty work, and I don’t mean the dishes. Supes is done, and all that’s left is to finish him off Jesus style. Is there really any other way in a Superman Movie?
Superman however has one last trick in his alien playbook…Bromance.
That’s right; it’s the end of Robot Jox all over again. We share mother’s namesees and have beaten each other into a strong friendship, and in being friends, we can combine our efforts to kill a whole lot more people.
Bats, ever the planning and budgetary side of the relationship, quickly divvies up the roles:
“I’ll kill at least 15-20 more people, you get busy destroying as much property as you can in the next 15 minutes. God, I love property, but there is a giant Kinder Surprise with a cave troll inside waiting to hatch and it’s eventually going to turn into a de-shelled ninja turtle. We must do what we must.”
Wonder Woman! Don’t forget kids. She is in the movie too.
She was in the trailers. you know, the ones where Batman does jokes. Except this time, there’s a reason for his Batman voice, also he doesn’t do the jokes to himself, while he’s by himself, in his Batman voice.
We catch up with Wonder Woman doing some email clean up. Turns out she has been receiving spam mail, quite a lot of it. At one point in the movie, she even gets sent the entire work in progress rushes of Warner Bros upcoming trailers. Lucky for us, the mighty lady does not fear clicking attachments, so we get to see them too!
There’s one where they have to rescue Jason Momoa from an underwater shoot because he can’t hold his breath any longer. He waves the trident about in a desperate attempt to keep going, but his eyes tell a different story.
There’s one where somebody is strung up on a giant version of one of those electrical board hobby kits. The project is not going well; small scale soldering is a bitch when you haven’t got the correct tip on your soldering iron. Whatever you do, don’t knock over our last family project, the expensive large format Rubik’s cube…
There’s even one where Ezra Miller goes to buy milk. This is all they had for the Flash, Ezra Miller buying milk. The milk goes sour though, as Ezra gets electrified by the fridge. Health and safety people, this is like The Crow all over again. Gustin, you’re up.
Wait a minute, was the Mongol Warrior Flash? It seems he must have been, but this has already gone on far too long to go back and check.
The absolute best one is the Wonder Woman trailer. There’s no “In a world…” “There was a time…” or anything. It’s just an old picture of Captain Kirk and Wonder Woman at a World War One Re-enactment. The camera just slowly pans down the picture and exciting sassy music plays. That’s it. It’s so good they show it twice during the movie!
So Wonder Woman 2017, lots of slow pans and Kirk. Slow pans and Kirk. And relax.
Oh well it’s the final fight. Superman and Raphael(Yes, this film does feature a Ninja Turtle) get nuked. In space. Superman gets zombified and Raphael levels up.
My absolute favourite bit from The Dark Knight Returns this, butchered for pacing. Here’s how you should do it: Superman drops from space on the other side of the planet, where it’s day time but stormy. Places his hand on a sunflower, rousing Man of Steel track plays. Sun comes out. Levels back up. Instead we somehow get a sunrise scene in the dark, and a 15 foot space turtle.
Back to the grime.
Batman has reached the end of his character arc. He started the movie hating property destruction, now he willingly leads Raphael back to the property. Because he needs a spear. He figures this out while flying his supersonic jet…away from the spear.
Lois Lane has reached the end of her character arc. She has learned not to throw spears in the deep water. “You do that Lois and you’ll only have to go back in and fetch it!”
Wonder Woman has reached the end of her character arc. It only has one part. Seeking the truth! So she tries to get Raphael to tell the truth. That and don’t leave your baggage on the plane, because lord knows, we don’t need any more fear of terrorism in this movie.
Superman keeps punching Raphael, Wonder Woman keeps chopping bits off Raphael. Batman keeps the fuck out the way. He only kills people, with minimal risk.
BUT WAIT. Batman has a can of fart gas left. Raphael is weakened. Superman has got the spear; he shoots he scores but Oh Oh! The trope of self-sacrifice has him. He’s been trying to do the right thing for two movies now, so he thinks “To hell with it, I’m jus’ gonna stab this ninja turtle”
Then we are at Supe’s funeral. A funeral so big they buried him twice. Hold on, is Clark Amish? Supe’s is buried in a shiny comic reference and we get to Batman’s final speech. He’s sorry about all those people he killed. Now he will kill less, or possibly only smash them through 3 brick walls at 1000mph, in Superman’s honour.
It’s a tough sell, but we are heading for a sequel. Lex Luthorz son is in full on Britney Spears Umbrella mode, and he’s rung the hell out of a space bell. They tried to stop him, but nothing stops off screen Britney bitch.(Despite this being an actual movie, much of it happens off screen.) Something is coming, quick hint, it’s that grey dude on the painting. That or the Cloverfield monster. Or Tim Burton.
All in all Five Stars. -